This is more a diary entry, rather than a blog post.

But since I’m going through some self-realization phase (deeper than my regular over thinking) I have concluded that my biggest to fear is to Love.

 

Love is in being in love, or loving anything that breathes even objects, cause in my short experience on this beautiful planet I have lost, misplaced, died or even taken away from me.

I know many would get the message and point I’m going after.

 

But this is becoming a true fear, like when I see a spider or a clown.

Physically affected and mentally overworked.

 

It does have something to do with the type of people and type of experiences I have had in my life, but I have got to admit I ran out of options.

 

Even with my friends, I don’t get too deep or too involved, it is part of growing up but it’s also something to do with giving up.

 

I date after a certain time has passed, all those I went out with I friended for years before taking a step forward (I have had two life changing disasters in the field) so I take my sweet time.

And yet, all the results are the same.

 

I changed the approach and I have changed the methods and yet 1+1=00100

 

There’s always something wrong with me, I have high standards, I’m always busy, I have too many guy friends or I’m not what they thought I would be.

Though, I’m just outspoken about myself in public as I am here, I give warning, I raise cautions when I must, and I always tell people what I want and what I don’t.

Yet, everyone seems the same.

 

Every new relationship, friendship and even regular encounters are becoming to be this mental game to see which category they will fit in (I have a profiling list based on the people I’ve met in my life) different profiles, same result.

 

I’ve always wanted to find the ever-lasting love, the one I once thought I found and the other one after I though was the real one, but no, what I have discovered is a relationship and marriage is not about love and rather about what fits for the other person, how much you can be someone you are not and how much you can change for them.

 

I might have failed to change for someone else, but surly I have changed so much that I’m developing fears at this age still.