This isn't a polished blog post; it's more of a raw diary entry. I'm currently navigating a period of intense self-reflection, and I've come to a startling realization: my deepest fear is love.

Love, in all its forms – romantic, platonic, even the attachment to objects – has become a source of anxiety. Throughout my life, I've experienced loss, separation, and disappointment. This has created a deep-seated fear of emotional investment.

It's more than just a sadness; it's a genuine fear, akin to phobias. It manifests physically and mentally, leaving me feeling overwhelmed.

My past experiences have undoubtedly contributed to this fear. I've encountered people and situations that have reinforced my distrust of emotional connection.

Even with friendships, I maintain a certain distance. It's partly a natural consequence of growing up, but it's also a form of self-preservation.

When it comes to dating, I'm incredibly cautious. I only pursue relationships with people I've known for years, yet the outcomes are consistently disappointing.

I've tried different approaches, different methods, but the result remains the same. There's always something lacking, some perceived flaw in me. I'm told I have high standards, I'm too busy, I have too many male friends, or I'm not who they expected.

I'm honest about myself, upfront about my expectations and boundaries. Yet, I find myself encountering the same patterns, the same types of people.

Every new connection feels like a mental game, a process of categorizing individuals based on past experiences. Different profiles, same result.

I've always yearned for lasting love, the kind I thought I'd found in the past. But I've come to realize that relationships and marriage often prioritize compatibility and compromise over genuine affection. It seems to be about how well you can fit into someone else's life, how much you're willing to change.

Perhaps I've failed to change for others, but I've certainly changed myself. I've developed fears I never imagined I'd have at this stage of life.